The Difference Between ChildFree Men and ChildFree Women

The Difference Between ChildFree Men and ChildFree Women

Has anyone but me ever noticed how different friendships are between men and women? 

My husband will tell me about a coworker or friend or cousin, and I ask him the standard questions, Married? Kids? Frequently, my husband will say he doesn't know. WHY? Because it does not come up and it has no bearing on their friendship status.  

When women meet, even if we have no real friendship interest in the other, we will ask the standard questions, Married? Kids?  The answer to those questions determines quite a bit with women. Some insecure married women do not like to be friends with single women.  

When women are friends, it is pretty much accepted that the children will be part of the friendship. Coffee? Wine? Lunch? Movie? Yeap, the kids will be there for all of it. The only way that activities are not including the kids is when they are in school or maybe at a sport or activity. 

For men, they can be friends for years, hang out, do stuff together, spend lots of time together and never even MEET the other guy's kids. Why? 

Why are men given a kid free pass and women are not?  

The Child Free Lonely Life

The Child Free Lonely, Friendless Life

I've known since childhood that having children was not something that I ever, ever wanted to do. I honestly do not understand why people do it voluntarily. 
I had no idea when I was a child and I made the decision to never have children that it would cause me to lead a lonely life with little to no friends due to my choice.

As children, we don't really have many barriers to making friends with other kids. We end up playing with kids in our neighborhood, or becoming friends with kids in our class or maybe on our sports team or church. There really are no barriers in the eyes of the children. Parents will inherently put their own boundaries when they dislike something about a child or parent. I really can't say my parents ever refused to let me be friends with someone. I can remember in high school my sister and I were friends with a particular girl and her dad decided that she should not be friends with either of us because we were "nothing but trouble". The irony is both my sister and I graduated, went to college and have careers. The "friend" dropped out and ended up in jail. 

I typically made friends with people that I worked with, or people that I met through other activities. Work friends, normally no matter how strong, end up slowing down when you no longer work together. When I was younger and unmarried, I didn't really think too much about my decision to not have children. No one around me really had children unless they were older and married.  I made friends from college, work, or other places and it wasn't really an issue. As I got older, mid to late 20s, people I knew were getting married and having children. I started to notice that when someone I knew had a child, suddenly the friendship was over. They never had time anymore for whatever we had enjoyed together. After the kids came, we were simply coworkers and really no longer friends. I didn't really let it bother me because there were plenty of other people around me and I stayed busy.

Now, as a 44 year old, military wife, I feel like I am on an island. I feel like I do not know anyone in real life who has made the same decision. I have met a couple people close to my age who don't have children. However, each that I know, it is a medical reason why they do not have children, and it is not that they have made the same decision that I made. Or, in the case of one person that I know, she is only 22 and only been married 2 years, so she is officially a "not yet" not like me that is a "not ever".  

I try. Maybe I don't really, but I feel like I try. I try to do things that will allow me to meet other people. But I never ever meet anyone in real life that is Child Free like I am. I "know" a few people online from online groups. But as far as like a "real" person, someone I have spoken to in real life, nope, no I don't have anyone I know. 

San Diego is a city of 1.4 million people. I cannot POSSIBLY be the only person in San Diego who wants nothing to do with kids.  It feels like I am.  I have decided since the husband and I are not going to be in San Diego for much longer that I am pretty much just giving up on finding friends. I will have my few acquaintances, but the majority of my time, I am my only friend. 

Honestly, most of the time it is OK. I like to be very independent and I am definitely not the Navy Wife who can't function on duty day. I enjoy going to movies or concerts or other things by myself. I like setting my own schedule. Even though, I am the type that enjoys being alone, sometimes it is really nice to just have another person to talk to. However, with women, being friends means that you are going to have to deal with their children. Men can go and do what they want with out having to worry about dragging kids along, but women cannot. It is super frustrating for me.

Basically, I decided that I am not even gone to pursue trying to be friends with someone with kids at home. I just can't. I do not want what little bit of friend time to be run over with screaming kids. It leaves me in a weird position because I am still on a island, I am still not making friends, but I don't know how to deal with it all. 

Forever a Party of Two

Forever .... A Party of Two

We will forever be a Party of Two, but not in the way that most will think that I am referring to. True, we will forever be a party of two at home in that we are never going to have children and we do not have an immediate plans for any pets.  Today, I am tackling the fact that it feels like we will forever be a party of two when we dine, travel etc because friends without children are RARE.

The Childfree over age 35 frequently end up being friends with empty nesters or those who have busy, never home teenagers. Trying to be friends with those who have little kids is just impossible. The interests and schedules are just completely different. Its rare that parents can go out on a School Night. When they can or when they do, it is either something really special or they are done and home early enough to not disrupt the regular night schedule. For a childfree couple, we rarely have a "school night".  Both of us have taken a variety of courses, training, conferences, etc at various points in our careers which made us have to study and do homework on a week night, but normally, a week night doesn't have much difference for us. We can go and do what we want.

At various times we have had a varying number of couples or friends around us in various points of their lives. Some were never married, some were empty nesters, some were trying every day, it was just different for each couple. However, since moving to California, a place I considered to be more progressive than my home of Virginia, I was shocked to find the lack of ChildFree people. I figured anywhere I went, outside of the military community obviously, that I would have no problem finding couple who either didn't or were delaying the whole children thing. I have been shocked to realize that even outside of the military community that every where I look, it is still families, families, families. 

We have pretty much decided that we aren't going to bend, and go out of our way to be friends with people with kids. You can't go out on a Wednesday? Nope we are not rescheduling to when the kids don't have a game. Your problem is not my problem. It gets exhausting trying to work schedules around something I did not choose.  Have I accepted being a party of two? Maybe not 100%. I hope that one day, we meet a couple more interracial, married, childfree couples who enjoy traveling and dining out. Will we? I don't really know. One amazing thing in our marriage is we actually get along, and we actually enjoy spending time together. If we never meet any further childfree couples, we will still travel, we will still enjoy life. 

Our life is on our terms. We don't have to work based on someone else's schedule. Our married life is crazy enough being on active duty military. Whether we are surrounded by friends, or just surrounded by our love, our childfree status isn't changing, and our wonderful life is only going to get better.

CHILD FREE LIFE

Reasons to be Childfree

CHILDFREE LIFE